Ginger is almost 4 years old and she can now write her own name! That is great news, and I’m very impressed and proud. But this development comes with a dark side. Ginger revealed two secrets today:

1) She can transmit written messages.

2) She knows the Russian alphabet.

Notice anything about this photograph (other than it’s adorable)?

Ginger Writes Her Name - In Russian!

How about now?

My Daughter The Spy - The Evidence Infographic

Your Writing Has Improved, Comrade.

See it now? She writes her N’s like on an old Soviet propaganda poster! It doesn’t get much more conclusive than that. The infographic might as well be Glenn Beck’s chalkboard: irrefutable. By the way, if you look at the infographic from the bottom-up, freedom wins.

Late Nights, Stealth Movements

Facebook Status Update

WTF? Walked past Ginger’s room and the light was on, she’s passed out on her bed on top of the blankets, and there are toys and coloring books strewn all over the floor. 3-year-old Stealth Partying.

I posted this on my Facebook last night. At the time I thought it was just an innocent non event. But this morning it Red Dawned on me that my 3-yr-old is staying up late to connect with her spooky counterparts. The dots are connecting themselves.

More Evidence: The Sailor Talk

Holly informed me this morning of the following conversation, which took place yesterday when the kids were getting dressed to go outside.

GINGER: “I can’t find my mitten, dammit!”

HOLLY: “What did you say?”

GINGER: “I can’t find my dammit mitten.”

HOLLY: “We don’t say that word. Say ‘rats’ instead.”

GINGER: “I can’t find my rats mitten.”

Where is she getting this naughty language? Sure, Holly used to curse like a drunken brothel madame, but we’ve both toned it down since having children. Hecky doozies! We don’t even watch our HBO shows anymore unless the kids are in bed. I’m sure she’s been learning the salty talk from hardened KGB operatives. Probably ex-sailors.

But What Intel Is She Gathering?

You know, I never gave it much thought, but Ginger sure is inquisitive. She asks a LOT of questions. But I don’t know much about anything, so what is she hoping to learn about? To get to the bottom of this, I decided it was time for me to start collecting counter-intel. Check out these documents obtained from my refrigerator:

This is a portrait of Jack. I assume Ginger is building household “asset” files on each of us.

Jack by Ginger - Mini Marker Board

Uncanny! But if this is part of a recruiting strategy, nuh-unh! Already got one kid, Russkies!

Jack Bunda - Age 21 mos - 1-3-2012

The diagram on the left is of a planet in water. On the right is a “Spaceman, who dives in the ocean”. What kind of plans have I stumbled upon? Ginger has taken a great interest in all-things-planetary lately. Holly even made Ginger and I matching blankets with planet patterns on them for Christmas. I hope NASA understands that I was an unwitting rube in the scheme to infiltrate them for their alien warp-drive technology secrets (or whatever). Unwitting Rube, I say!

The Spaceman and the Water Planet

And then there’s this rainbow drawing. If I had to venture a guess? It’s a map. Ginger is Code Name: Leprechaun (since she’s a “little person”), and the pot o’ gold is where her kickbacks for covert-ops is hidden. I need to get to it before she does so it goes into her college fund instead of a Polly Pocket spending spree.

Rainbow Map

Still, I’m not too worried about this whole Secret Agent lifestyle. We all do stupid things when we’re kids, right? She’ll grow out of it, she’s just going through a phase.

A friend brought up the fact that Dick Cheney has never apologized to the guy he shot in the face on a hunting excursion in 2006. Because I’m sure Cheney has a heart of gold (or is it medical-grade stainless steel?) I decided to help the guy out by making the kind of courtesy card you can’t find in the Hallmark aisle of Wal-Mart.

Texas Man Shot by Vice President Cheney in 2006 Still Waiting for Apology

ABC News’ Karen Travers reports: Nearly five years after being shot by Vice President Cheney on a hunting trip, Harry Whittington is still waiting for an apology. Now 82, Whittington tells The Washington Post’s Paul Fahri in an extensive interview that he still has about 30 pieces of birdshot inside him, remnants from the Feb. 2006 shooting incident that happened on a south Texas ranch. Fahri reports that Whittington’s injuries were “more dire than previously disclosed.” Four days after the shooting, the birdshot near his heart cause it to “beat erratically” and Whittington was admitted back into the intensive care unit. Whittington’s doctors said he suffered a mild heart attack, but he downplayed it as a heart “event.” He also suffered a collapsed lung and doctors performed invasive exploratory surgery to check his vital organs for damage. “The load from Cheney’s gun came close to, but didn’t damage, the carotid artery in his neck,” Fahri reports. “A rupture could have been fatal, particularly since it took the better part of an hour to transport him from the vast Armstrong ranch to the Kingsville hospital.” But perhaps the most stunning revelation in the article is that nearly five years later, Whittington is still waiting for an apology from Cheney. When asked if Cheney ever said sorry to him, Whittington “who has been talking about his life and career for hours, suddenly draws silent.” “I’m not going to go into that,” he says sharply after a short pause. Fahri writes that Whittington is “too gracious to say it out loud, but he doesn’t dispute the notion, either.”

By Maya
Oct 14, 2010 7:50am

Apology Card

This card includes an uplifting limerick to take the bite out of this long-sought friendly gesture. Also, a tastefully done clown-makeup of Rep. Paul Ryan’s sad face helps emote the feelings that cyborg Dick Cheney is unable to (which is every human emotion).

Dick Cheney - Sorry I shot you in the face - Apology Card

If you’re one of the few people on this planet who’s never heard of lolcats.com or icanhascheezburger.com, they’re the sites that propagate pictures of cats with phrases written across them, like this:

I can haz hug? ...No - courtesy icanhascheezeburger.com

Food limit reached. Start sleep cycle - courtesy icanhascheezeburger.com

im in ur fridge meme - icanhascheezeburger.com

I Farted - courtesy lolcats.com

Hold teh coffee. kitteh sez. Nut be long, kitteh sez. icanhascheezburger.com

Okay, so if you didn’t already know all this, those chain emails you get with a bunch of images of cute-animals-with-overlaid-text like those above make up approximately 5% of all internet content (I’m guessing). The other 95% is porn, with a margin of error of 1% for family photos, work stuff, and blogs that no one reads.

I’m in ur interwebz, Makin’ my own Kitteh pickturz.

Im in ur bassahnetz wishun I wuz still teh baby

Im hidin in ur bassahnetz ...Shootin eye lazerz at passerzby

Is not nu changin tabil. Is nu napping tabil

human cot mouse? I'z getting to it! Doan make kittehs look bad!

FTW

checked mai list twice. Sum kittehs hav not ben nice

Ur is so ramantic! But how do u lite canduhlz?

Magazine cover-Brent&EthelWEEKLY-Brenthel Issue

Phil Spector Can Haz Cool Hat?

The moment before Ethel realizes she just had her weight in water dumped on her back

kitteh sez: No moar pikturz.

I stumbled upon this, and it may be useful to one of you deviants out there. And because I must be a weirdo too, the first phrase that popped into my head when I was trying to think of my ransom demand was one of Buffalo Bill’s lines from The Silence of the Lambs.

It puts the lotion in the basket.

By the way, I’m pretty sure I was thinking of serial killers because I was listening to Doug Benson‘s stand-up on Pandora earlier today; he had a memorable bit about how watching the penis-tucking scene on basic cable is weirder than the uncensored version. So it’s not like I think about making a human-skin suit all day.

Holly and I did go through a 2 year phase where we watched Hannibal about 100 times. We just really liked that movie. Why did they have to ruin the franchise with Hannibal Rising? Seeing it at the theater was what ended our Hannibal/Silence Of The Lambs/Red Dragon fetish, I think. What a piece of shit movie.

Anyway, if you have absolutely nothing better to do than type “Who Farted?” into a ransom note generator, then here you go.

UPDATE: 9/17/2011 | Winnie The Pooh Movie

I saw this on Gawker and it’s too fun not to remember.

Winnie The Pooh Movie - IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN Or else it gets the hose again.

The first movie my daughter ever went to. Here’s the Gawker review I read the night before we went:

Winnie the Pooh
In this grim gonzo sex “horrorcore” movie, a gluttonous, perpetually pantsless bear roams the countryside stealing food. He’s joined by a suicidal donkey with a horrifying tail injury and a raving mad psychopathic tiger. The tale gets more horrifying when they come into contact with a little human boy and involve him in their sick games. There’s a whole honey bukkake scene and I’m pretty sure Piglet murders Kanga or Roo. Just terrible. (Wide)

[gawker.com]

There’s actually at least 3 honey bukkake scenes.

Remember Ginger’s “Bun” drawing? What’s a “Bun”? “It’s a Buuuun!”

Ginger and The Bun

Anyway, we got home from a family Zoo day today, and there was a surprise package from Matt Hayden from Boulder – 2 Bun T-shirts for the kids!

2 Bun Shirts and Ethel

The Man knows how to Gift

I just put that post together last week, and I didn’t even realize Matt had read it, and he obviously went to considerable trouble to re-create the graphic from the photos and then get them printed onto kids sized shirts. Awesome.

We love these! What a perfect surprise ending to an already great day! Thank you Matt!

Of course my MagnaDoodle drawing from last week was uploaded to the internet, turned into a graphic, placed on a t-shirt, gifted and shipped to my home, and is now part of my wardrobe. It was inevitable.

BEHOLD! Ginger & The Blue Bun Shirt

For those who haven’t had the pleasure of meeting Matt, the best I can do is provide some photos of him:

Strawberry Matt Forever

Matt is not a doctor

Purple Mountains Mattesty

We love you, Matt Hayden!

ActionShots on the Catwalk

Matt Hayden Collection - Photoshoot 1

Matt Hayden Collection - Photoshoot 2

Matt Hayden Collection - Photoshoot 3

Matt Hayden Collection - Photoshoot 4

Matt Hayden Collection - Photoshoot 5

Matt Hayden Collection - Photoshoot 6

Waka Flocka ‘Hard In Da Paint’ (Bob Ross vs Dubstep vs Jordan Laws) from ScreenWerks on Vimeo.

If you liked that, here’s the Main Course:

NSFW | This is epic (i.e., it’s long and the author clearly put some serious work into it).

Jordan Laws presents ‘Fit To Fill’ Video Remix LP from ScreenWerks on Vimeo.

Check this site out: ScreenWerks.tv

When I got home from work last night Ginger showed me what she drew on her Magnadoodle. I told her it’s great and I really like it, and then I asked her what it was? She doesn’t get offended about those questions. She answered “It’s a Bun.”

She draws a lot of Suns, Peas in a Pod, Smiley Faces, Hot Dogs, the letters H, I, T, and E, and she even started on Stick Figures and Dinosaurs recently. Neither of us know what a bun with a face is, and she’s drawn several. If you ask her “What’s a ‘Bun’?” you’re going to get an answer like, “It’s a Buuuun!” as if we should know this and why are we pestering her?

So I said, “It’s a ‘Bun’?” And she said, “Yeah, it’s a Bun.” So I said “Oh, it’s fantastic, can I take a picture of you holding it up?” And she agreed.

Tester Shot

Okay, hold it up and smile.

Good one!

Beauty and the Beast

“Daddy, can I take a picture of you holding it up?” she asked. “Sure,” I said.

I don't think you're pointing the camera at me.

Okay, you have to look in the screen and make sure you can see me.

Try standing back farther.

Let me try getting down farther.

Look into the screen and make sure you see everything.

Okay, that's good stand back there.

Alright, good job!

Dad’s instructions are stifling my creativity.

“I want to take a picture of Teddy Bear,” she said. “Okay,” I said.

Taking pictures of Teddy Bear

more Taking pictures of Teddy Bear

some more Taking pictures of Teddy Bear

and even some more Taking pictures of Teddy Bear

I think she’s getting the hang of it.

“Alright, that’s enough pictures of Teddy Bear for today,” I said.

Fox News said they’re not racist, but Barack Hussein Obama is black, and he had a bunch of black people over for a BBQ Hip-Hop Block Party where they all just danced and didn’t create any jobs.

FOX News - Look at all those lazy blacks at the President's house

Fox News would like us to know that black people were being lazy and eating BBQ and listening to black music and our President is black and he was not working at his 50th birthday party

Alright Patriotic American Libertarians; you love your country and hate your government because you’re such patriots. So please do your countrymen a favor (even though you understand that you shouldn’t have a country, just your own self-interested domain) and vacation in Somalia this year so you can come back to Commieland and brag to all your friends about how great it is to experience the Freedom and Liberty of a land with no functional government!

And if you liked that video, here’s another fun one called “I’m a Tea Partier.” It’s about a character that watches a lot of Fox News, I think.